Spilling The Beans

My immediate reaction was that I had to apologise to Bob - but not over text, it had to be face to face for something like this. I knew that some people would say that it wasn't me who had to apologise - out of the few people who knew about Lee and I, most said that he was the one in the wrong as he was the one with the girlfriend. I never agreed with that line of thinking. It seemed like an easy way out, when it generally takes two to do anything. As I knew that Lee, and in this case Bob, had girlfriends, I should have removed myself from any inappropriate situation straight away and I am the only person to blame for not doing so.

I nearly went crazy waiting until Monday morning for the chance to speak to Bob. Ten minutes before leaving the flat, I got a text: Sorry, feeling really ill today - must have come down with something! Take notes for me? I stared at the phone in disbelief. How was I going to get through another day knowing that The Conversation still loomed ahead of me?

The answer, as always with me, was throwing myself into my work. I don't think I've ever taken such detailed notes at any other point in my university degree! Luckily I had football training that evening, and despite my usual hatred of running I actually welcomed the physical relief. I'd been playing for the university football team since my first year, and this year for the first time we had a separate goalkeeper coach! There were two goalkeepers in the team - myself and Chloe. Chloe had only joined us this season, and had previously played for a fairly prestigious club so I knew that I was likely to get far less games this season. However, I also knew this was the year that I had to focus on my studies, so in a way it worked out pretty well.

Bruce, our coach, had decided to spring a diving session on us tonight. Not diving like in a swimming pool (although I'm not sure which would be worse or more painful with my sense of balance!) but instead this exercise involved Bruce throwing the ball just beyond our reach to each of the keepers at training. The idea is that we dive smoothly and quickly, coming in to land at a slight angle so that our shoulder takes most of the impact (like a plane landing with the nose end hitting the ground first). Unfortunately, my body never seemed to figure this out. Bruce described watching me in this exercise like 'seeing a sack of potatoes being thrown in the air and landing all at once', and believe me it felt like it. Still, adding to my impressive collection of bruises beat brooding any day!

The next morning I wasn't entirely surprised when this mysterious illness seemed to be continuing. Luckily I had a trump card - Bob still had my notebooks for the classes I had today, so he agreed to meet me at the door on my way past his flat.

As soon as I'd taken the notebooks from his hands, the word vomit started.

"I would have said this earlier but I wanted to say it face to face and this is the first time I've seen you, but I just wanted to completely apologise for what happened on Saturday night. I mean, I know nothing actually happened, but it was still inappropriate for me to be there and I should have gone home, and I didn't mean to cause any kind of trouble for anyone. So, I'm really sorry."

The grin he'd had when he opened the door had slowly disappeared during my spiel.

"No, it's OK. Yeah, I know it was a bit inappropriate, but as you said nothing really happened. So maybe we can try and skip the being awkward stage and go back to being friends?"

I managed a weak grin.

"Sounds good. Um, so. You should probably go back to bed, and I need to get to lectures..."

"Yeah, fair enough. See you later."

I turned and started power walking as fast as I could up the road without falling over myself. I wasn't sure how I expected that to go, especially when it was conducted at the door in a busy street, but I was glad I didn't seem to have lost a friend. However, I knew I would have to keep my distance from now on, for myself as much as anyone else.

As lectures finished, I saw my phone light up on the desk. Seeing Bob's name, I discretely shielded the screen.

Hey... Sorry I didn't say much earlier - I was going to say something myself but you beat me to it. So firstly thank you - it's not an easy thing for anyone to say first and it says a lot about you that you did. You're right, it shouldn't have happened but that's more my fault than anyone's. But as I said, hopefully we can just say it didn't happen and just be friends again?

I jumped when Ray nudged my elbow. Ray is my obligatory gay best friend - or so I like to tease him. He is actually gay and one of my closest friends, and is wonderfully camp with it. His constant frustration is my refusal to colour code my notes during classes, much to his disgust.

"OK, you have to tell me what's going on. You've been away with the fairies since the weekend, and whatever that text was, it wasn't nothing."

I considered bluffing, but I doubted I could have got away with it - Ray knew me far too well. Plus, I really needed to talk it all out with someone.

"Is there nothing I can get away with?" I laughed as Ray smugly shook his head. "OK, I'll tell you over lunch. But let's go somewhere a bit different - I don't want anyone we know to hear."

As we were both finished lectures for the day, Ray gave me a lift back to my flat. There was a new bar around the corner where people had been swearing by their pulled pork, so we decided to check it out. After realising there was a space with sofas downstairs, we sat down and ordered our food: pulled pork burrito for me, and a steak burger with grilled halloumi for Ray.

"This place is amazing! I love what they've done - the bare wood and comfy sofas really work down here..." I trailed off as I noticed Ray giving me the eye.

"Girl. Seriously. We can talk about sofas any time! Get spilling!"

Sighing, I told Ray the whole story. Bob, Ray and I were a pretty tight group at university so he knew all the background, and honestly I needed to know if I'd been behaving inappropriately before the weekend as well. Plus, we knew each other well enough to give our very genuine opinions, which whilst not always appreciated at the time, were always needed.

"I don't know if I'm overthinking all this. I know nothing happened... but I keep putting myself in his girlfriend's shoes. I really don't know which would be worse - if he'd had a drunken one-off night with a girl he didn't know, or having something that was really quite sweet and intimate with one of his closest friends. Well, I know which one I'd find worse - I'd never want him to see that friend again!" I sighed, rubbing my eyes. It had felt good to get it all out, but hearing myself say everything out loud just brought up the guilt again. It was like there was a dragon spitting acid instead of fire inside my stomach.

"Oh, Jane. You're a magnet for drama, aren't you?"

Happy that he didn't seem to be judging me too harshly, I smiled back. "Believe me, I've had my fill of drama over the last few months! First Lee, now this... My love life used to be so boring, I almost miss it!"

"Well, you're not boring any more! Anyway - my opinion on all of this? Well, it's not as bad as you're making it out to be. You guys didn't even make out - high school kids are going further than you two! But you two definitely need to take some space. The tension between you and Bob has been crazy since we started the semester-"

"Wait, what?"

"Oh, anyone can see it Jane. You're basically at your own secret language with the number of in-jokes you have." He held his hand up as I tried to protest. "Wait, let me finish. I'm not saying you've been making moves on a taken guy - I know you, and you would never let yourself consciously do that. And this weekend aside, Bob's a decent guy too. He's trying to make this long-distance thing work. What I'm saying is that you've both been deluding yourself that your friendship is completely platonic and 'safe', and that's why this weekend happened."

He watched me as I stared at my lap. Like I said - the honesty with us wasn't always easy to hear, but he was right.

"I guess the big question is - do you have feelings for him?"

And there it was. The question I'd been avoiding even asking myself. The reason why all of this was bothering me so much, why I was feeling so guilty over everything.

"I... yes. If he didn't have a girlfriend, I'd be head over heels for him. However, he does. And I can't ever be the person to ruin that for him, after everything with Lee-"

"Yes, yes, I know all about your 'other woman' hang-ups! And you know I think you're ridiculous, the world isn't black and white and all that, but we don't need to have this conversation again."

Ray was very much of the opinion that I worried over matters too much (quite possibly true) and that I was way too hung up over my 'black and white' viewpoint of relationships. He saw cheating as a natural consequence of a relationship breaking down, whilst I saw it as a moral flaw in a person's character. We agreed to disagree, but he liked to make the point every now and again.

"Ha, very true. The point is now, what do I do?"

 "You do what you were planning, dear. You back off - and this is for your own good more than anything. I don't want to see you getting hurt, you deserve much better."

I smiled across at him. If one good thing had come out of all of this, it had reminded me what a great friend I had in Ray.

"Still, if he's having to choose between whatsherface and you, I'm in your court every time!"

Horrified, I swatted him on the arm. "Oi, you can't say things like that! I'm not making him choose!"

"Whatever you say, dear - but I know the truth!" He stage-whispered across the table at me, trying to wink suavely and failing miserably. Laughing, we teased each other for a few minutes longer before Ray had to head back home.

Walking up the staircase to my third storey flat (which whilst providing me with excellent leg muscles, always turns into a horror comedy at move-out time with the amount of books I hoard through the year), I thought over what Ray had said. Finally admitting I had feelings for Bob had been a big step for me; I'm very good at burying away feelings I don't like and refusing to acknowledge them. Still, it didn't help the situation at all. Thinking of the two years still left of the degree, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Two years of trying to ignore my feelings - what could possibly go wrong?

Once Burned, Twice Shy

I met Lee when I started university: fresh-faced, seventeen and never been kissed. It wasn't exactly how I'd always imagined meeting my first boyfriend... The guy next door to me in halls invited me over to meet some friends, and somehow we ended up playing strip poker. I am in no way an exhibitionist, and especially so at that point: the lack of any male attention throughout high school meant that I had very little self-confidence in my body image. In hindsight, it was one of those scenarios where no one really wanted to play, but the pressure of 'Fresher's Week at university', that mythical time when all students were meant to be pulling new and crazy stunts, meant that an awkward shuffling after the half-hearted suggestion led to us actually playing it.

Despite my reservations, my competitive streak was not to be beaten. I started off with an excellent running streak - which meant that when I started losing, I had successfully half stripped the rest of the crowd, and they were out for revenge. Lee in particular had it out for me. Admiring a fellow competitive spirit, I surprisingly found myself increasingly interested in him. He wasn't at all what I'd always described my ideal guy to be - I liked cheekbones, short but scruffy hair, someone who could sing (with many fantasies of someone one day asking me out via the medium of song - a girl can but dream!). Lee had long, dark and slightly greasy hair in a ponytail, one of those skinny and slightly sallow complexions and seemed to have a preference for black clothing with chains. He was like no one I'd ever known.

Technically my next door neighbour lost the game first, but he flat out refused to remove his jeans. When it came to me next, I couldn't face looking like a coward, but the entire atmosphere changed as soon as I undid my belt. To my great relief we decided the game could end there, and from that night on our group was inseparable.

Katie was the other girl in the group, and we got on relatively well considering we had very little in common. It was a week or so later that I finally found out about Lee and Katie's history, walking back from a disastrous but entertaining pub quiz attempt.

"So, I think Lee and I might be going out again." Katie dropped the bombshell casually into our conversation. I kept my face absolutely still, trying not to show how accurately she'd tossed that emotional grenade. Lee and I had been having lots of late night Facebook chats - nothing too risque, but his flirty comments and my bumbling attempts to reciprocate had been the highlights of each day. The more I found out about him the more I liked - his sense of humour, the way he could take on my teasing and give it right back, the way he could turn stories from his childhood into hilarious anecdotes. And the attention was addictive.

"Oh! Um... again? You've been out before?" Luckily I managed minimal stuttering.

"Oh yeah, we've been out heaps of times. We're one of those on-off couples - we went to the same boarding school. We broke up last year when I started going out with Colin, but he was a complete dick so that ended before university. And we're both here and single again, so I guess it was inevitable!"

"Oh." It was taking all my energy not to cry. To my seventeen year old self, it seemed too cruel. I wanted to yell at Katie, "You've had him before! You seem to have had half of the town from the way you talk! Why, for once, can't it be me?" 

The next day, walking to breakfast with my next-door neighbour, I casually brought up the topic with my usual subtlety.

"So... did you know Lee and Kirsty were a thing?" I tried to keep my tone nonchalant and light, not like my heart was thundering in my chest.

"Oh for God's sake. Not again! Are you serious?" He snorted, shaking his head despairingly.

Taken aback, words deserted me. "Uh, what?"

"Let me guess, you heard Katie's side... What did she tell you?"

"That they were an on-off type of couple, and that she broke up with her ex before uni... Why, what's the rest of the story? Spill!"

"Ah, not quite the whole story. So, they went to the same boarding school and started going out years ago. But from what Lee says, Katie isn't exactly the faithful type. She finds a new guy she likes, dumps Lee and goes out with him until he gets sick of her bullshit. Then she runs straight back to Lee, repeat cycle. He's been her fallback guy three or four times now, but he seems besotted with her. It's a real shame, if you ask me."

Not the whole story indeed. Suddenly, Katie wasn't looking too good in my eyes. Sure, I might be naive and lack relationship experience, but I still knew right from wrong and treating a guy like that wasn't what a decent person did.

Fast forward a month. Lee and Katie were definitely going out again - it was hard not to see that they were with Katie seriously loving the PDA. My late night chat sessions with Lee continued but I'd convinced myself that he wasn't flirting - after all, how was I to know the difference between flirting and being friendly?

Both being engineers, Lee and I shared many of the same first year classes. One day after we'd spent an hour trying to balance jelly beans on our heads instead of listening to the lecture on the exact wave movements required for wave energy regeneration techniques to work, I was heading back to my room for an afternoon nap whilst Lee had one of his rare lectures without me. Halfway home, my phone buzzed with a text from him: Mind if I drop past later? Can't figure out our maths homework, and you always make the equations easier to bear ;)

Despite myself, my brain went into overdrive trying to analyse the text. Could it possibly mean that he was interested? But he was with Katie! But then again, she didn't deserve him with the way she'd treated him - and surely I deserved at least one chance with a guy? And maybe he did just want homework help, after all I was the go-to person for homework and revision help in our group. Praying that I wasn't doing the wrong thing - and not sure if I even knew what the wrong thing was any more - I texted back telling him to come around whenever he wanted.

True to his word, Lee appeared at my door a few hours later. Sitting cross-legged on my bed, looking as if I'd been doing anything except obsessing, I patted the space next to me. Bringing out his notebooks, he sat down. Internally I gave a small sigh of disappointment, albeit tinged with relief - which instantly disappeared when he turned, pushed me back against the wall and kissed me.

"You didn't really think I was just coming over to do homework, did you?" He murmured into my ear, running his fingers along my arm, then under my shirt, across my stomach, leading upwards. "I think I should go lock the door..."

I'd like to say I stopped him, or at least pulled back in a semblance of doubt. I'd like to say I sent him out of the door and was never again found in even the slightest inappropriate situation.

But I can't.

I don't know what exactly turned me from someone who always believed very clearly in right and wrong from someone who fully and enthusiastically became an accomplice to cheating. I can name some of the factors - the irrational voice in my head telling me that if I didn't do this now, then I'd never be with a guy; the fact that I genuinely disliked Katie; the curiosity to find out what sex was actually all about; maybe just the simple fact that I had a hot and very interested guy in my bed, and for all my talk of being a strong, independent woman, the reality was that I'd fold with the smallest of temptations.

Any joy I received from that night was turned to ashes when Katie knocked on my door the next day in tears, telling me that Lee had broken up with her. I've never felt like such a shit example for a human being as I did that day, comforting Katie on the very bed where I'd slept with her boyfriend.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lee and I became a proper couple just before Christmas that year. I never fully forgave myself, and only managed to start the process once we found out that Katie had (again) already been cheating on Lee with someone. She started going out with him less than a week after she was crying on my shoulder. I knew that two wrongs didn't cancel each other out, but seeing her move on so quickly helped lessen the overbearing guilt.

Eventually I told myself that I couldn't change the past - it was done, and over with, and in all honesty the consequences could have been much worse. The only thing I could do was try to atone with my behaviour in the future - by promising myself that I would never let myself get into any compromising situation with a taken man. I could never make up for my mistake, but I could make sure that I'd never hurt another woman like that again. I couldn't be responsible for that level of pain in a person - how could I respect myself as a person if I did?

Knowing how I tortured myself over this, it should have been an easy promise to keep.

There's a Fine, Fine Line...

I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a tinge of discomfort walking up to his flat. Very late at night, offering to watch my all-time favourite film - I'm not an idiot! But it could be fine, I reassured myself. We're mates, I'm basically a guy to him, and I can always leave if things get awkward. With my flat less than two minutes away and my talent for running away the moment a situation becomes awkward, it would be fine.

Besides, he was probably just a bit lonely. I knew that Priscilla had graduated earlier this year and could only find a job down south, so they'd been trying out the long distance thing. Bob tried to put on a brave face but I could tell it was killing him. It didn't help that as an eldest child, it was basically preprogrammed into me to look after friends and family in distress. I always got teased for being the 'mum' of our friend group, but I figured helping them in any way was worth the loss of my (admittedly non-existent) street cred.

"Misty's upstairs but we'll need to take her out the back, wait here a second?" asked Bob. I nodded, looking forwards to finally getting to meet her. Not wanting to boast, but I had a little of the Dog Whisperer magic in me - I'd never yet met a dog who could resist me. Now, if only that worked on men!

A furry white ball of fluffiness catapulted down the stairs and slid to my feet. Misty was a Westie terrier, which normally wasn't one of my favourite breeds but she was an adorable exception. Crouching down, I let her sniff my hand before scratching the special spot behind all dogs' ears. Hearing a chuckle, I looked up to see Bob laughing away at the puddle of canine happiness in front of me.

"So, I get to keep her, right?" I grinned up at him. He smiled and shook his head before turning and heading out the back door. "He thinks I'm kidding but we know the truth..." I whispered to Misty, straightening up and shooing her out of the door. Following her, my eyes took a second to adjust to the pitch darkness of the garden and the first step down took me completely by surprise. Lurching forwards, I didn't even have time to yelp before I felt hands grab my waist.

"Woah! Elegant as ever, Jane..." Lifting me down the three steps to the grass despite my protestations, he dumped me on the lawn and ruffled my hair. "Ah, how boring would things be without you trying to injure yourself every two minutes?"

"I would have you know that it is very dark coming into the garden, and utterly plausible that that could happen to anyone, clumsy or otherwise..." I tried to keep a straight face before bursting out giggling. "Who am I kidding, I'm a walking disaster. It's a miracle I didn't break anything." Plonking myself down on the wooden bench, I sighed and stared up at the stars. Being in the middle of Edinburgh, you rarely get a great view due to all the light pollution, but tonight they were looking especially beautiful. Lost in my thoughts, I failed to see Bob finding a chewed rugby ball in the bushes and then chucking it at my head.

"Ouch! You menace! You're going to regret that!" I grabbed the ball from the ground and threw it to Misty. "Run girl! Hide it far away from your horrible petsitter! Go bury it in a hole!" Misty yapped once before picking it up and dropping it right at Bob's feet.

The next half hour passed in a blur of throwing the rugby ball at each other and the dog, and chasing her around the garden to get it back. Eventually I collapsed back onto the bench, arms wrapped around the ball. Bob sank down next to me.

"That's it. No more running!" I panted slightly. I like to think I keep myself vaguely in shape through playing sports, but I'm no fitness enthusiast by a long way. Trying to cool down, I took my jacket off and put it on the bench. "Please don't let me forget my jacket - my keys are in there, if I lose them I'm not getting home tonight!" I joked to Bob. He narrowed his eyes, then reached behind me to steal my jacket. Cursing him, I dropped the ball and play-wrestled him for my jacket back. He quickly gave up, but kept his arm lying across my shoulders. Whilst we chatted aimlessly about Misty destroying the ball and the flat party we could hear across the garden, inside an epic battle was occurring between the side of my brain screaming at me to put some distance between us and the part yelling back that nothing inappropriate was happening.

Eventually it started getting chilly, so we headed up to the flat. Whilst Bob rummaged through the DVDs, I took the opportunity to lounge out over the entire couch with Misty on my stomach.

"My sofa, my dog. You should basically just move out now," I teased Bob.

"Haha, very funny. By the way, you need to move."

"Nope. Not moving. Hey, wait - you can't - argh!" I shot up just before Bob sat on my head. Although most of our friendship is based on us winding each other up, I always forget that Bob isn't afraid to take it further than I will. If I hadn't moved, I'd have a pretty squashed head right now.

"Fine! If you won't let me have the sofa, then you're being my cushion." He looked at me bemused as I lay straight back down, using his shoulder as my pillow. Immediately I started kicking myself internally for potentially crossing into inappropriate regions again, but Bob didn't seem to mind as he threw a blanket over us to stay warm and wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

In any case, the film had started and I was immediately distracted. The Phantom of the Opera has to be my all-time favourite film, musical, soundtrack - whatever aspect, it's utterly amazing. The best way I've ever found to describe it (in contrast to my usual incomprehensible mumbling and arm waving when asked why I love it so) is "the most passionate and heart-wrenching love story ever told through the most beautiful music ever written".

It was about halfway through the film when I felt his hand brush mine under the blanket. The mental battle began again, paralysing me. A minute later, his hand brushed mine again. Not looking at him, I inched my hand closer. He wrapped his pinkie slowly around mine and stroked my palm with his thumb. I could feel my entire body relaxing - despite only breaking up with Lee last week, it had been some time since I'd experienced this kind of simple, physical intimacy, the kind that doesn't expect anything back, and until now I hadn't realised how much I missed it. The screaming voice in my head briefly beaten, I promised myself that I would leave if he tried to kiss me. That would be the limit, the point when it went beyond anything purely friendly.

As the film came to an end with nothing more happening, we heard Gary coming into the flat. Sitting bolt upright as he came through the door, I probably had the worst 'don't look guilty' face ever. Weirdly, he didn't seem to notice anything, chatting with Bob for a bit before wishing us both goodnight. Maybe I was being stupid - overthinking it as I always do?

Smiling ruefully to myself, I looked over at Bob as I reached for my shoes.

"Ugh. Too late. I really need to head back to my bed."

He half-smiled back at me. "Probably a good plan. Text me when you get back safe, yeah?"

"You do realise my flat is barely two minutes from yours? And how ridiculous you're being?"

"What can I say, my mother raised me well! Text me. Or else I'm keeping you awake all night by texting you Ed Sheeran lyrics." Bob was the biggest fan of Ed Sheeran, and was on a mission to convert me too, with minimal success as of yet. Secretly, I had to admit he wasn't bad, but no way was I letting Bob know that!

"Amazingly, I can foil your evil plan with this fantastic invention called 'putting your phone on silent', but if you insist, I'll let you know!" I called up to him as I headed down the stairwell. Ten minutes later I was curled up in bed having downed a pint of water (I'd never yet had an awful hangover but I was terrified of what one would be like, so water after a night out was always a necessity). Hearing my phone buzz, I opened the text to see "I'm gonna pick up the pieces, and build a lego house...".

Letting out a giggle, I replied. "Go to sleep, mental case. All safe and curled up in bed, despite the attempts of the escaped tiger, the pirate deserters and the ninjas who all accosted me on the long, long journey across the road."

As I was about to fall asleep, my phone buzzed again. Groaning, I rolled over. "Haha, I see you're learning well from the Sarcasm Master. Goodnight, padawan." Grinning, I turned over and fell fast asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I woke up in the morning, the first thing that struck me was how bone-dry my mouth was. Gulping down a glass of water, I silently congratulated myself on how non-hangover-ish I was feeling, dehydration aside. Shuffling back to my room, the events of last night suddenly crashed into me. Guilt struck, my stomach twisted, and I ran to the bathroom. Sitting with my head on the edge of the bath trying not to throw up, tears ran down my face. In the cold, and more importantly sober, light of morning, last night had most certainly not been appropriate.

But that wasn't the worst part. It was bad, definitely, but what was worse was that I'd broken my promise to myself. How could I have let myself take steps towards being the other woman yet again?

Lessons In Alcohol

"You have to be kidding. It's a Saturday night, you don't have any work to do, you're newly single - you're coming with us!"
"He's absolutely right. Get changed right now or we'll be carrying you down those stairs - and you know we can do it..."

I started laughing at the two guys in front of me holding my front door open. I'd told Bob that he could nip round to borrow my class notes, but I hadn't expected an ambush from him and his flatmate Gary. Glancing down at my fuzzy dressing gown and slippers, I sighed. Somehow, my cosy night with my Toblerone, hot water bottle and the latest Brandon Sanderson book seemed to be disappearing faster than the Wicked Witch of the West in a swimming pool.

"Fine, fine - sounds like I don't have a choice against you two nutcases. Give me ten mins and I'll meet you outside your flat?"

Following muttered threats about what would happen if I wasn't there, the boys finally let me shut the door. Luckily for me, I'd never been one of those girls who took hours to get ready - my 'shoe collection' consisted far more of various football boots, trainers and jazz shoes. Throwing on my only pair of black jeans, one of my nicer tops and my boots, I made it outside to their flat with two minutes to spare. Shaking my head at myself as I sat on their wall, I wondered what I was doing. I didn't 'get' alcohol - I hated the dizzy out-of-control feeling it gave me, and if I was being really honest there were very few nights out I'd genuinely enjoyed. Give me a flat party with my mates and our stupid conversations anytime! However, since Bob had moved into a flat the street over from mine, he'd decided it was his "duty" to teach me the true joys of alcohol. Since there had always been that nagging voice in the back of my head that somehow I wasn't seeing what everyone else seemed to enjoy so much about getting drunk, I figured why not? And it wasn't like we were heading to one of the more upmarket clubs with their awful beats music (yes, I know I'm essentially an old woman already), we were off to the union's famed cheesiest music night in existence. Whilst normally my dance moves involve me scheming how quickest to get off the dance floor without anyone noticing, give me some YMCA or macarena and I'm right in there!

"Theeeere she is!" Bob and Gary came bounding out of their flat. "So, where first?" I smiled up at them. At five foot four on a course that is 85% guys (all of whom are giants), I've got pretty used to being the midget of the group. Bob checked his phone. "Well, the girls are already at Benny's, so let's go!". By 'the girls', Bob meant the girls rugby team he and Gary coached. I'd never actually met them before, but after playing football for years I knew most sports teams were a friendly bunch. Taking a deep breath and wistfully thinking of my duvet, I headed off with the boys.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As much as I hated to admit it, I was actually having a pretty good time. Despite still not particularly enjoying the cider and black that seemed to be the staple for our group (which also included being teased a fair amount for repeatedly asking the bartender to put more blackcurrant into the cider - what can I say, I've got a sweet tooth), it had disappeared pretty quickly between Gary and Bob egging me on in the various drinking games. The girls were a great bunch too - they'd completely accepted me into their group and we were singing away to each other on the dance floor. Glancing at my phone, I saw it was about half one in the morning. Still pretty early, but I could tell I needed to get to my bed soon if I didn't want to be napping in a corner of the bar. Squeezing round to Bob, I yelled in his ear that I was heading off. He nodded, so I turned and made my way to the exit. As I was leaving through the door, I felt a hand on my shoulder. Whirling around, I saw Bob there with his jacket.

"What, you thought I'd let you walk home alone at this hour?"

I smiled a little uncomfortably. I knew it was just because he was a nice guy, but the whole 'girls need to be looked after' thing grated on me. It's a difficult one, and maybe it was a result of having a very safe upbringing and having a fierce independent streak, but when my flat was ten minutes away it seemed a tad unnecessary. 

"Are you sure? Seriously, don't let me drag you away from having a good night out..."

"Nah, I was kind of done anyway. Besides, I'm looking after my parents' dog for the weekend and she'll be desperate to get out the flat by now."

Feeling a bit silly, I followed him outside. And honestly, it would be nice to have company walking home. The night had been fun but you rarely get a chance to properly talk at a club, which is probably why I've never really enjoyed them. Plus, Bob was great chat. Despite being on the same degree, I'd only really got to know him in the last few months, but it had been one of those meetings where you just know you're going to get on like a house on fire. There hadn't even been that worry about any awkward attraction getting in the way - we were both in two year relationships, and happy (or so I had thought). He'd also been there for me through everything in the last week when I finally decided to dump my ex, Lee. By which I mean, he'd bought me mountains of chocolate which, for me, engenders life long appreciation and respect.

"So, are you actually going to turn up to class this week or...?" I teased Bob, grinning at him.

"Shhhh! I will, it's just this stupid plumber taking so long to sort the bathroom and Gary is completely useless..."

"Suuure, always an excuse! What will it be next time? Ceiling fallen in? Oven exploding?"

Bob was renowned in our class for always having some domestic emergency happening. To be fair, I think his flat is actually cursed and Gary is the least helpful person in a crisis, but that definitely didn't get him off the hook for a whole lot of teasing.

"Yeah yeah, like I'm actually missing much anyway. What was it today - thermodynamics?"

He suddenly jumped on a bench and took a dramatic pose, mimicking our Italian genius-but-clueless lecturer. "Eeet goes hot, eeet goes cold! Eees trivial!"

I burst out giggling - Bob has the worst 'generic foreign accent' ever, but always seems to think he's some kind of accent expert. "Get down you nutcase! If you fall off and break something then you're being left here, OK?"

He held a hand to his heart, looking shocked. "You... You mean... You'd abandon me? You'd abandon such a kind, generous, funny, talented, and incredibly handsome specimen such as myself?"

I gave him The Look. "Don't flatter yourself, I see you first thing in the morning heading to class every day. The gloss wore off a long time ago!"

Pretending to stalk off without him, I realised we were at the end of my road.

"So, I should head u-"

"Do you want to come watch a film?"

"What?"

"Well, I've got Phantom of the Opera on DVD, and since you go on about it all the time, I figured I should probably see what you've been nattering on about. Plus, you can come meet the dog?"

If anyone ever wants to know how best to wrap me round their finger, that was probably it. Musicals -and not just any musical, the best musical ever written - and a new dog to meet? All I'm saying is that I should never be left in charge of any government secrets because that is all it would take...

I glanced up at my flat. To be honest, I'm not really a late night person but not even the lure of my cosy bed could beat the deadly singing and canine combination.

"Fine, fine. Lead the way!"