Spilling The Beans

My immediate reaction was that I had to apologise to Bob - but not over text, it had to be face to face for something like this. I knew that some people would say that it wasn't me who had to apologise - out of the few people who knew about Lee and I, most said that he was the one in the wrong as he was the one with the girlfriend. I never agreed with that line of thinking. It seemed like an easy way out, when it generally takes two to do anything. As I knew that Lee, and in this case Bob, had girlfriends, I should have removed myself from any inappropriate situation straight away and I am the only person to blame for not doing so.

I nearly went crazy waiting until Monday morning for the chance to speak to Bob. Ten minutes before leaving the flat, I got a text: Sorry, feeling really ill today - must have come down with something! Take notes for me? I stared at the phone in disbelief. How was I going to get through another day knowing that The Conversation still loomed ahead of me?

The answer, as always with me, was throwing myself into my work. I don't think I've ever taken such detailed notes at any other point in my university degree! Luckily I had football training that evening, and despite my usual hatred of running I actually welcomed the physical relief. I'd been playing for the university football team since my first year, and this year for the first time we had a separate goalkeeper coach! There were two goalkeepers in the team - myself and Chloe. Chloe had only joined us this season, and had previously played for a fairly prestigious club so I knew that I was likely to get far less games this season. However, I also knew this was the year that I had to focus on my studies, so in a way it worked out pretty well.

Bruce, our coach, had decided to spring a diving session on us tonight. Not diving like in a swimming pool (although I'm not sure which would be worse or more painful with my sense of balance!) but instead this exercise involved Bruce throwing the ball just beyond our reach to each of the keepers at training. The idea is that we dive smoothly and quickly, coming in to land at a slight angle so that our shoulder takes most of the impact (like a plane landing with the nose end hitting the ground first). Unfortunately, my body never seemed to figure this out. Bruce described watching me in this exercise like 'seeing a sack of potatoes being thrown in the air and landing all at once', and believe me it felt like it. Still, adding to my impressive collection of bruises beat brooding any day!

The next morning I wasn't entirely surprised when this mysterious illness seemed to be continuing. Luckily I had a trump card - Bob still had my notebooks for the classes I had today, so he agreed to meet me at the door on my way past his flat.

As soon as I'd taken the notebooks from his hands, the word vomit started.

"I would have said this earlier but I wanted to say it face to face and this is the first time I've seen you, but I just wanted to completely apologise for what happened on Saturday night. I mean, I know nothing actually happened, but it was still inappropriate for me to be there and I should have gone home, and I didn't mean to cause any kind of trouble for anyone. So, I'm really sorry."

The grin he'd had when he opened the door had slowly disappeared during my spiel.

"No, it's OK. Yeah, I know it was a bit inappropriate, but as you said nothing really happened. So maybe we can try and skip the being awkward stage and go back to being friends?"

I managed a weak grin.

"Sounds good. Um, so. You should probably go back to bed, and I need to get to lectures..."

"Yeah, fair enough. See you later."

I turned and started power walking as fast as I could up the road without falling over myself. I wasn't sure how I expected that to go, especially when it was conducted at the door in a busy street, but I was glad I didn't seem to have lost a friend. However, I knew I would have to keep my distance from now on, for myself as much as anyone else.

As lectures finished, I saw my phone light up on the desk. Seeing Bob's name, I discretely shielded the screen.

Hey... Sorry I didn't say much earlier - I was going to say something myself but you beat me to it. So firstly thank you - it's not an easy thing for anyone to say first and it says a lot about you that you did. You're right, it shouldn't have happened but that's more my fault than anyone's. But as I said, hopefully we can just say it didn't happen and just be friends again?

I jumped when Ray nudged my elbow. Ray is my obligatory gay best friend - or so I like to tease him. He is actually gay and one of my closest friends, and is wonderfully camp with it. His constant frustration is my refusal to colour code my notes during classes, much to his disgust.

"OK, you have to tell me what's going on. You've been away with the fairies since the weekend, and whatever that text was, it wasn't nothing."

I considered bluffing, but I doubted I could have got away with it - Ray knew me far too well. Plus, I really needed to talk it all out with someone.

"Is there nothing I can get away with?" I laughed as Ray smugly shook his head. "OK, I'll tell you over lunch. But let's go somewhere a bit different - I don't want anyone we know to hear."

As we were both finished lectures for the day, Ray gave me a lift back to my flat. There was a new bar around the corner where people had been swearing by their pulled pork, so we decided to check it out. After realising there was a space with sofas downstairs, we sat down and ordered our food: pulled pork burrito for me, and a steak burger with grilled halloumi for Ray.

"This place is amazing! I love what they've done - the bare wood and comfy sofas really work down here..." I trailed off as I noticed Ray giving me the eye.

"Girl. Seriously. We can talk about sofas any time! Get spilling!"

Sighing, I told Ray the whole story. Bob, Ray and I were a pretty tight group at university so he knew all the background, and honestly I needed to know if I'd been behaving inappropriately before the weekend as well. Plus, we knew each other well enough to give our very genuine opinions, which whilst not always appreciated at the time, were always needed.

"I don't know if I'm overthinking all this. I know nothing happened... but I keep putting myself in his girlfriend's shoes. I really don't know which would be worse - if he'd had a drunken one-off night with a girl he didn't know, or having something that was really quite sweet and intimate with one of his closest friends. Well, I know which one I'd find worse - I'd never want him to see that friend again!" I sighed, rubbing my eyes. It had felt good to get it all out, but hearing myself say everything out loud just brought up the guilt again. It was like there was a dragon spitting acid instead of fire inside my stomach.

"Oh, Jane. You're a magnet for drama, aren't you?"

Happy that he didn't seem to be judging me too harshly, I smiled back. "Believe me, I've had my fill of drama over the last few months! First Lee, now this... My love life used to be so boring, I almost miss it!"

"Well, you're not boring any more! Anyway - my opinion on all of this? Well, it's not as bad as you're making it out to be. You guys didn't even make out - high school kids are going further than you two! But you two definitely need to take some space. The tension between you and Bob has been crazy since we started the semester-"

"Wait, what?"

"Oh, anyone can see it Jane. You're basically at your own secret language with the number of in-jokes you have." He held his hand up as I tried to protest. "Wait, let me finish. I'm not saying you've been making moves on a taken guy - I know you, and you would never let yourself consciously do that. And this weekend aside, Bob's a decent guy too. He's trying to make this long-distance thing work. What I'm saying is that you've both been deluding yourself that your friendship is completely platonic and 'safe', and that's why this weekend happened."

He watched me as I stared at my lap. Like I said - the honesty with us wasn't always easy to hear, but he was right.

"I guess the big question is - do you have feelings for him?"

And there it was. The question I'd been avoiding even asking myself. The reason why all of this was bothering me so much, why I was feeling so guilty over everything.

"I... yes. If he didn't have a girlfriend, I'd be head over heels for him. However, he does. And I can't ever be the person to ruin that for him, after everything with Lee-"

"Yes, yes, I know all about your 'other woman' hang-ups! And you know I think you're ridiculous, the world isn't black and white and all that, but we don't need to have this conversation again."

Ray was very much of the opinion that I worried over matters too much (quite possibly true) and that I was way too hung up over my 'black and white' viewpoint of relationships. He saw cheating as a natural consequence of a relationship breaking down, whilst I saw it as a moral flaw in a person's character. We agreed to disagree, but he liked to make the point every now and again.

"Ha, very true. The point is now, what do I do?"

 "You do what you were planning, dear. You back off - and this is for your own good more than anything. I don't want to see you getting hurt, you deserve much better."

I smiled across at him. If one good thing had come out of all of this, it had reminded me what a great friend I had in Ray.

"Still, if he's having to choose between whatsherface and you, I'm in your court every time!"

Horrified, I swatted him on the arm. "Oi, you can't say things like that! I'm not making him choose!"

"Whatever you say, dear - but I know the truth!" He stage-whispered across the table at me, trying to wink suavely and failing miserably. Laughing, we teased each other for a few minutes longer before Ray had to head back home.

Walking up the staircase to my third storey flat (which whilst providing me with excellent leg muscles, always turns into a horror comedy at move-out time with the amount of books I hoard through the year), I thought over what Ray had said. Finally admitting I had feelings for Bob had been a big step for me; I'm very good at burying away feelings I don't like and refusing to acknowledge them. Still, it didn't help the situation at all. Thinking of the two years still left of the degree, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Two years of trying to ignore my feelings - what could possibly go wrong?