He Wants To Be In America

Cycling back from university on Wednesday, I couldn't decide if I was more excited or nervous about the football game tonight. On one hand, I'd been playing for years, I knew what I was doing, and this was only a friendly - nothing to worry about! On the other, the irrational part of me had been repeating a mantra all day: "This is it. This is it. Don't mess it up - this is it."

Last year in the team, I'd shared almost exactly half of the games with our other keeper. We'd both been about as good as each other, and it was a good way to not have too much pressure on one person whilst still getting plenty of games. As soon as I'd met Hayley, our keeper this year, I'd known it was going to be different, but I had university to focus on. On top of that, I was being Treasurer of the Committee for the second year running, which was it's own major source of stress. I'd taken the first step and spoken to our head coach, saying that I understood Hayley had a lot more experience and would probably get more games, but I was happy to take a step back and not play quite as many as last year - saving awkward conversations all round.

It had backfired a little though, as I hadn't played any games at all yet. I knew we were trying to win the league, but when I didn't even get picked for the games where we knew we'd win by ridiculous margins, it was a bit disheartening. I'd responded by trying to become the most reliable team member there was: attending every single training session, coming along to support the home games from the sides, and always keeping my Wednesdays free for games. I loved playing football and not being able to play anything was killing me.

Wrapped up in my thoughts, I was back at my flat before I knew it. Taking the stairs two at a time, I dropped all my university folders on my bed before heading to the kitchen.

"Dave? You home? I've got a match tonight so I'll be eating early, you want anything now?" Opening the fridge, I tried to decide what I wanted to eat. Nothing too heavy, but equally without eating I'd almost definitely faint... Picking out some spring onions, salmon trimmings and creme fraiche, I decided pasta would definitely do if I didn't cook my normal ridiculous amount. Despite being Head Chef of the flat, I still could never figure out how much dry pasta would give a reasonable portion size, and I had a tendency to make far too much.

Frowning slightly, I realised Dave hadn't replied. I'd bumped into him that morning ago on campus as he was about to head off to the cinema with Jess, but he said he'd still be home before I was. Wandering into the hallway, I saw his door was open. Sticking my head through, I saw him sitting on his bed staring out the window. Jumping on his bed and dropping down next to him, I nudged him with my elbow, and he burst into tears.

Suddenly looking at him properly, I saw how red his eyes were and the mound of tissues next to him on the bedside table. My stomach sank - had him and Jess argued again? Or something even worse?

"Dave, what's wrong? What happened?" I wrapped my arm around his shoulders and pulled him into a hug as he sobbed, unable to speak for the moment. As I rubbed my hand up and down his back, he pointed at a piece of paper lying in front of him. Confused, I picked it up and started to read. My stomach tensed even further as I realised it was about his industrial placement. As part of his course, students had the option to go on an industrial placement from January to September next year, and I knew Dave had been waiting on the result from an interview with his top company last week.

As I began to understand what I was reading, I frowned even harder. Surely I hadn't read that right? It looked like-

"I got it." Dave stared at the floor, not meeting my gaze. "I got the job."

"But - what? You got it? But you should be happy! That's amazing - congratulations!" I went to hug him again but he held up a hand to stop me.

"It's in America."

Stunned, I stared at him. America? We hadn't even known that was an option when I was helping him research companies. I was still thrilled for him though - this was a fantastic opportunity, and we'd been told so many times that it was so rare for students to get an overseas placement - you had to seriously impress them to get one. I couldn't figure out why Dave wasn't over the moon as well - until it hit me. Jess.

He half laughed as he noticed my expression change. I knew she made him happy so generally I didn't comment on anything Jess did, but to cause this level of misery when Dave had been offered such a great opportunity? To make my best friend this unhappy? No way could I accept that.

"Oh, Dave... She was there with you? She didn't take it well?"

He nodded and started explaining. Apparently he'd got the email just before the film started and immediately told Jess, unable to believe he'd done so well. Dave is a great chemist, but he's much better at the practical than the theory so his grades don't always reflect how talented he is, and it's affected his self-confidence. However, Jess hadn't dealt well with the news. She'd started crying but refused to talk to him, leaving them sitting there with her silent tears throughout the entire film. Afterwards Dave had tried to discuss it with her, but she'd told him it was too much for her and left him standing in the street without another word. From experience he knew chasing after her never worked, so he'd come home and sat in his room until I'd arrived back.

As he trailed off, I took his hands in mine. "Dave, I know I'm not always the most sympathetic when it comes down to relationships versus career, but this is such a great opportunity for you. Please don't tell me you're considering not going?"

He instantly shook his head. "No, I think that's why she was so upset. I didn't even consider not taking it. But I want to make it work long distance - I love her, Jane. And it's only half a year, and then I'm back in Edinburgh. She just won't even talk to me right now..." He stopped talking again as more tears trailed down his face. Feeling helpless and angry, I turned to my usual fallback when faced with tears: the magic powers of food.

Dragging him through to the kitchen, I opened the cookie tin and placed it in front of him as I started preparing tea. I'd made a batch of double chocolate cookies the previous night so I knew there were plenty enough there to at least slightly cheer him up. Sugar and sleep: the two great healers in my philosophy!

As I chopped the spring onions and set the pasta cooking, I managed to tease a few more details out of him. The job was in Philadelphia, and it wasn't just him - there were 8 students in total from across the UK, with one other student from Edinburgh joining him out there. It sounded like exactly the kind of work he wanted to be involved in too, and he slowly started talking more excitedly. Plus, as I reminded him, the perfect opportunity for me to take a holiday out and visit him! My dad had accumulated a lot of BA points through various business trips, and had said I could use them whenever I wanted, so flying out there wouldn't break the bank. After he pointed out where Philadelphia actually was in America (my UK geography is already pretty awful, never mind USA geography), and I realised how close it was to New York (home of the magical land of Broadway theatres!), my excitement levels quickly rose to match his. Luckily Dave was one of the rare breed of guys who enjoyed musical theatre too, so I was already planning how many shows we could fit into a week in my head.

As I served the pasta, he brought the conversation back round to Jess. "I can understand why she's upset." Seeing my skeptical look, he frowned at me and continued. "No, seriously. If she told me she was moving halfway across the world with no warning, I'd be pretty upset too. I just wish she'd talk to me about it."

"Well, she has to talk to you, sooner or later. And it's not like you're giving up on you two because of the placement! So really, what you two should be doing is making the most of your time here before you fly off."

He nodded slowly. "I think I'll try and phone her again, and see if she'll let me come round and talk."

I told him that was probably the best idea, and as he headed back to his room I quickly washed up the dishes and changed into my football gear. The temperature was dropping fast at nighttime at the moment, so after throwing on about four layers, I was ready to face the cold, and the match.

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Bouncing on my feet, I waited for Bruce to throw the ball at me again. Diving to my left and punching it away, I landed on the frozen ground hard. Grateful for all the padding from my multiple layers, I scrambled up and ran after the ball, inwardly berating myself for punching instead of catching. After finally reaching the ball, I picked it up and started jogging back, only to see Hayley standing chatting with Bruce - in full goalkeeper gear.

Feeling sick, I joined them in front of the goals where Hayley was apologising for running late.

"So, last minute change of plans, Jane. Head coach decided that it would be good for both of you to play, so you'll play the first half and Hayley will play the second." Trying to keep tears back, I nodded. I didn't trust my voice as Bruce and Hayley started talking about the other team and the players we'd need watch out for. Slowly, my tears hardened into resolve - so what if I only had 45 minutes to play? The aim was still the same - show that I was good enough.

The first thirty minutes flew by. I was so focused on not messing up, and so far I was managing that - I was picking up loose balls, letting my defence know ASAP of any unmarked players, and my goal kicks were the best they'd been in a while. However, the other team hadn't really had an opportunity to score yet. I couldn't relax and enjoy the game - pure adrenaline was rushing through me, and as the end of the half appeared, the pressure to do something amazing to prove myself mounted.

Suddenly, a girl broke free of the defence, with a winger keeping her company down the left. Our defence were pelting it back down the field towards me, but a quick glance showed me they weren't going to reach me in time. Running out to face the striker, I tried to stay slightly between her and the winger. Two on one was almost impossible to stop for a keeper, but if I could try to get a foot out when she passed it, I could knock the ball off enough for the defence to get back and help.

It wasn't a bad plan. In fact, if that's what the striker had planned on doing, as so many other teams did, it might even have worked. Instead, all I could do was watch as she eyed me and the goals up, and then shot the ball between my legs and into the back of the net.

I'm not sure how I made it until half time, and we were lucky that their goal galvanised our team to keep up an attack until the whistle blew. I didn't hear a word of the half-time team talk, just tried to keep it together. As soon as the second half started, I walked a bit away from the reserves and sat on the grass, ignoring the biting cold of the frost. Bruce noticed, murmuring something to Ryan (our head coach) and headed over to squat down next to me.

"Unlucky about that goal at the end, but otherwise a pretty good half!" He smiled at me but I couldn't fake one back.

"Jane, what's up?" Bruce looked genuinely concerned, and that's all it took. Tears started streaming silently down my face.

"I blew it. I needed to prove myself, I needed to show Ryan that I was good enough to play - all I want is a game Bruce! Just one game! He wouldn't even pick me last week when we played the bottom team in the league. And after that he's not going to pick me against Hayley again." I looked up in time to see Hayley make a fantastic diving save. As much as I wanted to hate her in that moment, I couldn't do anything but respect her talent.

I finally looked Bruce in the eye. "I don't mean to whine, or demand a game. I get it, I really do - she's brilliant, and we need to win the league this year." As Treasurer, I knew how much of a bonus winning the league would be to our finances, and believe me we needed the money.

"It's just... I love football. It makes me feel alive, and I love being part of the team. But this year? I barely know the team because I've not had a single game with them. And I'm not enjoying training or games like this, because all I feel is the pressure to show that I am actually good. Not amazing, not the best keeper we have, because I'm not. I just want to Ryan to feel he can play me in a game against the bottom team of the league, because if he can't trust me there, why am I even in the team?"

Taken aback, Bruce didn't say anything. I hated what I was right now - I was never the crying in public type, and even less so the whinging type. All I wanted to do was head home to bed, curl up with my hot water bottle, and cry where no one could see me. Getting up, I told Bruce I'd see him at training on Monday, and headed back to my bike.